Category Archives: Humour

Christian Kitsch and Jesus Junk 6 – Philosophical Kitsch

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I came across this the Unemployed Philosophers Guild website via Felix Hominum and it is chock-full of humorous kitsch.

Previous instalments of my “Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch,” may be found here. Take special note of volume 4, the “What is Kitsch?” volume. Enjoy!

On the snack food side of things they have Nietzsche’s Will to Power Bar:

They also have a full assortment of mints including After Shakespeare Mints, After Therapy Mints, Anti Establish Mints, IndictMints, nlighten Mints, Kiss Mints, Manly Mints, Morning After Mints, National EmbarrassMints, and the theological pièCE de résistance (move over, Testamints!): Atone Mints

In addition, the Sin-O-Mints are also quite clever, as are the Forbidden Fruits sour apple flavour candies:

In the doll department, you can purchase plush dolls of many different thinkers such as Bach, Beethoven, Che Guevara, Darwin, Einstein, Freud, Galileo, Marx, Nietzsche, Shakespeare, and Socrates. On the religious side of things they have Buddha, Gandhi, and of course, Jesus — complete with a “WWID” bracelet:

One of the most “kitschy” items they have (which someone’s grandma may in fact want!) is the Last Supper Pillow with a wind-up music box that plays “Hey Jude” by the Beatles! I really think a more appropriate song would be something like Depeche Mode’s “Personal Jesus.”

They also have a variety of finger puppets and puppet sets, tee shirts, coffee mugs, among other things!

Check it out — and feel free to buy me whatever you think I may want! Seriously…

Snoring: Biblical and Otherwise (The Real Reason for Jonah’s Flight)

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I have finally figured out why Jonah took off to Tarshish when God told him to go to Nineveh! Jonah wasn’t being disobedient to God, he was just obeying a higher authority — his wife Anak! I have it on good evidence that Jonah’s wife evidently kicked him out of bed because of his snoring! At least that is my theory based on the Septuagint translation of Jonah 1:5-6!

My theory has nothing to do with the fact that I snore a little bit. OK, full confession: I snore really loud — just ask my wife or my kids! In order to gain some appreciation for how loud I snore, let me provide two illustrations. (1) As many of you know, I recently moved into a new house — a new house with a spare bedroom upstairs (also know as the “snoring room”). One night I had been sent to the snoring room and subsequently fell fast asleep. For some reason, in the middle of the night my wife had to go downstairs. She discovered that in the middle of the night she could hear my snoring everywhere in the house! (2) Last spring when I was in Toronto, I stayed at a good friend’s house. I ended up sleeping in his kids’ playroom. I am told that in the middle of the night his oldest son woke up and heard a horrible growling noise coming from the playroom. He ran to his parents’ room scared and told them all about the monster in his playroom. (Just in case you need the dots connected, I was the monster and my snoring was the growling. Also, don’t worry — I don’t have sleep apnea.)

Anyway… back to Jonah and my amazing theory. The Hebrew of Jonah 1:5 is pretty standard. Jonah takes off and boards a ship and goes down to the hold to catch a few zees. I guess it isn’t that boring since his sleep is described as רד×?, which is typically rendered as “deep sleep” or even “trance” (the cognate nominal is used in Genesis 2:21 to describe Adam’s Yahweh-induced sleep when having his rib removed). What I find interesting is how the Septuagint translates רד×? with the verb ῥέγχω “snore.” And Jonah’s snoring was apparently loud enough for the captain of the ship to hear him from above deck as he comes down to Jonah and asks him what is he doing snoring when a life threatening storm has been thrown to the Sea by Yahweh.

So, the moral of the story is if you snore, you’re in good company! Even the prophet Jonah snored… and we all know what a paragon of faithfulness and mercy he was!


Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch 5 – Special Kitschmas Holiday Edition

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It’s has been a while since I posted an edition of “Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch,” so I thought a special holiday edition would be appropriate! Now, you may be thinking that Christmas may be an easy target for a kitsch piece — and you’re right! During the holiday season kitsch is king — so much so that Christmas kitsch has even elicited its own name: Kitschmas! But here I will try not to settle for the easy targets, the commonplace pieces of Christmas kitsch available at any big box store like inflatable Santas or animated reindeer. Instead, I will try to bring you some truly bizzare Christmas fare. As you will see, an appropriate theme for this issue is the nativity scene. The nativity is truly a kitsch-magnet. It boggles the mind to think of all of the kitschy nativity scenes available in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

Previous installments of my “Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch,” may be found here. Take special note of volume 4, the “What is Kitsch?” volume. Knock yourself out!

The Inflatable Christmas

Inflatable Christmas decorations seem to be all the rage this year and baby Jesus is not exempt. There are a number of inflatable nativity scenes on the market; here are some highlights.

Outdoor Inflatable Nativity #1
This nativity scene will certainly get the neighbours talking! Joseph looks like the nephilim of old and Mary looks appropriately iconic for a woman who just experienced natural childbirth in a stable! I’m not sure who those kids are supposed to be… shepherds perhaps?

Outdoor Inflatable Nativity #2
If you thought the last inflatable nativity scene was impresive, just look at this one — it even comes with its own stable! (sorry, lowing animals are not included) To top it off, this giant 9 foot nativity inflatable includes lights for a stunning nighttime display!

The only real question I have is what did Santa do with Joseph? Did he get Yukon Corleone to knock him off? (Bonus if you can identify the pop culture allusion!) This beauty is still available from Bronners.

Massive Inlatable Jesus
The last two inflatables are dwarfed by this massive inflatable Jesus. This would be the sure way to attract attention! I imagine the theme of this vinyl-coated nylon marvel is something like “Jesus loves the little children.”

This inflatable comes from my native home town of Edmonton (see here). It almost looks as if kids could use Jesus’ lap as a trampoline — lap dance anyone? (OK, sorry, that was entirely uncalled for!)

Techno Jesus Nativities

Moving from the massive to the techno, who knew fibre optics and nativity scenes would make such a good team… kind of like peanut butter and jelly! There are two sets vying for your hard earned cash:

Fiber Optic Nativity Set #1
The miracle of Christmas is displayed in this exquisitely crafted poly resin, fiber optic creche. This Nativity contains transparent fibers that continually change through a virtual rainbow of colors. Lights surround the wooden stable, golden halos on Mary and Joseph and the crib of the Christ child. The complete set contains the manger with the holy family and moveable shepherd, sheep, mule, camel, ox and faux grass and straw.

Unfortuantly, it has been discontinued (see here). Too bad, so sad!

Fibre Optic Nativity Set #2
This colorful 14 inch fiber optic nativity is a must have for your Christmas décor. Exquisitely crafted from porcelain and masterfully accented with hand painted details, this beautiful nativity contains transparent fibers that continuously change through a rainbow of colors.

This one almost looks like a mix between a nativity scene and a scene from the little mermaid — at least the halos look like shells to me!

Thomas Kinkade Nativity Tree
OK, so this one doesn’t have fibre optics, but it does have lights and music! If you can believe it, this precious item is the first-ever illuminated nativity scene Christmas tree decoration!

From the description: “This illuminated tabletop decorated Christmas tree lights up at the touch of a switch and also plays Silent Night. Given the time-intensive handcrafting involved in this Hawthorne Village exclusive, demand could rapidly exceed availability. Be one of the first to get this unique Christmas decoration and gift idea.” OK, I’ll be right on it!

From Bad to Worse…

In my books the following examples of Christmas kitsch take the proverbial cake.

Nativity Kitchen Timer
How did Joseph get to Bethlehem just in time for Mary to give birth on Christmas Day? He relied on his trusty Nativity Kitchen Timer, of course! Only $9.99 plus postage.

Originally from My Beloved Gifts, this treat doesn’t appear to be available anymore. (HT Ship of Fools)

Nativity Belt Buckle
Talk about the “Bible belt” (haha). Now you can take the nativity with you wherever you go! Just remember to let it out a few notches before Christmas dinner!

Naked Troll Nativity
OK, these naked dolls are kind of creepy IMHO! I’m not sure why anyone would want naked troll dolls in the first place (except for Mimi Bobeck on the Drew Carey Show), let alone naked troll nativity dolls!

I’m just thankful that the Joseph doll is not anatomically correct!

If trolls aren’t your thing, then perhaps you will like this hobbit nativity scene:

Pooping Next to Baby Jesus?
OK, most nativity scenes have Joseph, Mary, baby Jesus, shepherds, some animals, an angel or two, and perhaps some wise men (although they were there much later!). I guess in the Catalonia region of Spain, nativity scenes also have an object called a caganer. The caganer is a figurine representing a peasant (or at times famous people) who is squatting in the corner of the stable, trousers dropped, taking a poop!

Lest we be offended, this figure is not meant to be disrespectful. In Catalan culture the peasant represents a hope for fertility in the coming year (for more about the tradition, see here) and finding the caganer is a fun game, especially for children.

If you’re interested in adding this to your Christmas traditions (I wonder what my wife would think if I tried to add one to our nativity scene?), check out caganer.com for some interesting caganer, including the one pictured above, which is supposed to be George W. Bush.

Jesus’ Flogging Lights

If you didn’t think that Mel Gibson’s flogging of Jesus in The Passion of the Christ was a bit overdone, then you will probably want to get your very own flogging of Jesus Christmas light display for next year. Just think of the money you will save if you use LED lights!

The Twelve Days of Kitschmas

If this sort of stuff tickles your funny bone, you will want to check out the “Twelve Days of Kitschmas” over at Ship of Fools. This is their annual roundup of truly covetable gifts for Kitschmas, though they are not necessarily Christmas kitsch. They also have an interesting read about kitsch and true religion in their Christ vs. kitsch feature you may want to check out. In addition, Going Jesus has a cavalcade of nativity scenes that is worth taking a gander at (and where I got some of the above).

“Christian Nudist” (!) Village in the Works

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Some born-again Christian nudists are building a nudist village in Florida, according to the Columbia News Service. Here is an excerpt:

Christian nudism might sound like an oxymoron, but for thousands of devout followers, living and worshipping naked is at the core of their faith…..

Bill Martin, the driving force behind Natura, runs the Naturist-Christians Web site, which has 19,000 registered users and averages 35,000 hits a day. His Yahoo group–where members discuss biblical passages rather than the etiquette to follow in nude social settings–has 6,000 users.

While Bellows believes “naturism and faith are one,” other Christians disagree. Bellows, 44, said he gets e-mail messages warning him of eternal damnation, while Allen Parker, from Virginia, said, “Many Christians attack us on many fronts, but the love Jesus shows us sustains us.”

….

Martin said he doesn’t want Natura to be only a haven for these Christian nudists–or naturists, a term many prefer. Instead, he wants Natura to make the bold statement that nudism is not only healthy, but sanctioned by God.

“Naturism was quite normal for the first few 100 years of Christianity,” said Martin, a 67-year-old Quaker. He blames puritanical Victorianism and what he calls America’s sexually obsessed culture for society’s qualms about nudity. “The culture has to be shown that naturism doesn’t lead to promiscuity. Natura will show them that.”

But the idea of raising kids in a nude environment can raise eyebrows–even Rob L.’s wife doesn’t want him nude at home when their daughter is around.

Well, isn’t that special… perhaps they should make an erotic calendar as a fund-raising device?

Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch 4.1 – Special Edition: Bible-Inspired Erotic Calendar!?

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OK, being seeker-friendly is one thing, but this is another! Reuters has a story about a German youth group which has produced a 2006 calendar with Bible-inspired erotic images. The images include a bare-breasted Delilah cutting Samson’s hair, a nude Eve offering an apple, Lot’s wife and daughters (!), Bathsheba in her bath, Salome’s dance, as well as some how I am not sure how they could be erotic, such as Jesus’ baptism and the near sacrifice of Isaac. The project is explained online here.