Category Archives: Humour

Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch, Volume 3

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I sat in meetings all day (I love being back from sabbatical — really!). In honour of my boring day, I figured it was about time for another light-hearted installment of “Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch” (for previous installments, see volume 1 and volume 2, as well as related posts here).

This time I am tackling the whole area of “Christian” clothing. I know I said in my last installment that I was going to cover Christian toiletries (somewhat relevant considering my “potty” posts), but all I could find (thankfully!?) were these items:

From left-to-right you have the cleansing Bar of Faith Prayer Soap, Bar of Faith Hand & Body Lotion, and Bar of Faith Conditioning Shampoo. You know what the Bible says, “Cleanliness is next to godliness!” You can purchase these all from Christian Toiletries, Inc.

Anyhow… back to Christian clothing… This topic isn’t quite as “kitschy” as others. The importance of distinctive dress for some in the community is emphasized in both the Old Testament/Hebrew Bible (tefillin, tzitzit, etc.) and the New Testament (head coverings, modest dress for women). Historically Christians have often distinguished themselves from others through clothing (and some still do, e.g., Hutterites, Amish Mennonites, etc. — As a side note, Colleen McDannell has a great discussion of Mormon under garments in her book, Material Christianity: Religion and Popular Culture in America [Yale University Press, 1995; Buy from Amazon.ca | Buy from Amazon.com]). And, hey, my own kids wear tee-shirts from the Christian camps they attended and I even sport a Dead Sea Scrolls tie every once and a while!

When the Bible talked about distinctive dress, however, I’m not sure that this is what was intended! (And I wonder if any of these have ever been challenged in regards to copyright infringement?)

Christian Tee-Shirts

The Christian Tee-Shirt is a staple of Christian merchandising. Some classics are the Coke and 7/11 knock-offs:

I was actually surprised how many different “Christian” Tee-Shirts there are (see here and here for more). Some others I found interesting, include the following shirt which I hear looks quite similar to a beer bottle label, as well as another one that I wasn’t quite sure about until I discovered that the hand configuration means, “I love you” — isn’t that sweet!

This Atkins diet-inspired shirt is also quite trendy, though it is guilty of false advertising since paper is probably quite high in carbs!

And, of course, you can get shirts for kids:

(I have to admit that these are rather cute — even the Bob the Builder knock-off).

“Christian” Socks and Undergarments

I found quite a few varieties of “Christian” socks (gee, I wonder if they smell or if you can walk on water with them?!), and even some underwear!

There is a whole line of “Wait Wear” panties with slogans such as “Abstinence Ave. Exit When Married,” “Traffic Control. Wait for Marriage,” or “No Vows. No Sex” (The only question I have is who will be reading this underwear?)

There is also a bunch of underwear that can’t really be called Christian because they appear to be mocking Christianity — I won’t bother showing any here.

I was quite surprised, however, to find the following rubber top sporting a Christian icon on it:

I should probably clarify how I came upon this image — and no, I was not searching for “Christian bras”! Earlier this summer I volunteered at a “Jerusalem Marketplace” Day Camp, so in an effort to discover what authentic garb in first century Jerusalem would look like, I did some Google searches for “first century Palestine clothing” and the like, and I found the bra above when searching for “Jesus clothing” (honest… check it out for yourself. It was even with moderate safe-search selected!). OK, enough explanation!

Going Potty in the City of David (GPAT 2)

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In my previous post on Going Potty in Ancient Times, I mentioned in passing that excavations at the City of David also uncovered private toilet chambers. Danny Frese was nice enough to send me some pictures of the comfort-sculpted toilet in Area G of the City of David.

There are two remarkable things to note in these pictures. First, I was amazed that the signage was preserved as well as it was! (Isn’t Photoshop great!) Second, in the fourth picture below (the close-up of the toilet) note the indentation at the front of the toilet stone to accommodate the male anatomy (I’ve marked it with a red arrow in case you miss it!). The only thing that is missing is the bookshelf!

Going Potty in Ancient Times (GPAT 1)

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A question on the biblical studies email list about the use of the circumlocution “cover your feet” in 1 Samuel 24:3 for defecating has me thinking about the potty. Not that it is very difficult to get me thinking about toilets! I am the son of a plumber and a third-year apprentice plumber (never did finish much to the chagrin of dear old Dad… got religious instead and now I’m a professor who gets paid less than plumbers!).

So here is my brief and very selective survey of going to the potty in ancient times.

Going Potty in the Hebrew Bible

Well, I thought I would begin where the email discussion did: the use of the expression “cover feet” (סכך + רגל) in 1 Samuel 24:3 to describe Saul going into a cave relieve himself. This more than likely indicates the posture taken when defecating. Thus it’s a circumlocution for the act of squatting with robes covering/cloaking the action (For the posture of squatting see Deuteronomy 23:13 where יש×?ב “sit” is used to refer to going the bathroom). This passage doesn’t say anything about permanent potties, however. This expression is also found in Judges 3:24, where perhaps we get a bit of insight into more permanent facilities. The Judges passage narrates Ehud’s somewhat colourful killing of Eglon king of Moab (this passage is chok full of potty humour!). Most translations represent Eglon getting killed by Ehud in the throne room. Recently, however, Tom Jull has made a persuasive case for the room being the other throne room, the potty (JSOT 81 (1998) 63-75). Thus the image we are left with is an enclosed chamber ensuite off the throne room in which Ehud killed Eglon as he was getting up off the potty. Bummer… no pun intended!

Potty-Time at Qumran

A toilet was discovered at Qumran in locus 51. Here are some pictures from Humbert and Chambon, Fouilles de Khirbet Qumran (1994).

The toilet at Qumran was private. It consisted of a pit dug into the floor of an enclosed, roofed chamber. One toilet for the whole Qumran community clearly suggests this wasn’t the toilet used by everyone (talk about a line-up!). Perhaps it was reserved for full-fledged members of the community (kind of like getting keys to the executive washroom at work!). It appears that Israelites/Judahites liked their privacy when in the loo (Enclosed chambers were also found in the Iron Age II level in the city of David).

Public Potties in Ephesus

While people in ancient Israel were bashful about going potty, that wasn’t the case for ancient Greeks and Romans. My first experience of an ancient toilet was in Ephesus some 16 years ago. Here’s picture of my dear wife sitting on the potty in the Scholastika Baths in Ephesus… and look, she’s even reading!

I always thought that the watercourse in front of the seat was for cleaning the dust off your feet while you do your business. While that may be the case, I’ve also heard that instead of toilet paper or leaves, people would clean themselves with a sponge fixed onto a short wooden stick and that the water channel was used to “dip the stick” to clean it. Some people even think that this is where the expression “wrong end of the stick” comes from.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this brief toilet tour… now I really have to go…

Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch, 2.1 – Biblical Plagues & Plaguedomes

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Plagues appear to be rather “in” right now. I blogged on a new feature film called The Reaping, which is based loosely on the biblical plagues here.

Jim West at Biblical Theology recently drew our attention to an online quiz, “Which biblical plague are you?” Jim happened to be frogs, while Brandon Wason at Novum Testamentum turned out to be boils. I also did the quiz and I happen to be darkness! Ooo… Scary!

This reminded me of a great piece of kitsch that I came across a number of years ago: Biblical Plaguedomes. There are two different plaguedomes available: the Swarm of Locusts Plaguedome and the Three Days of Darkness Plaguedome:

I’m not sure why they haven’t made a “River of Blood” Plaguedome (wouldn’t that be easy?) or a Gnat Plaguedome (that would be a easy knock-off of the locust one), but I do understand why they haven’t tried a Plague of Cattle Plaguedome (how would you make some fall and others not)?

Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch, Volume 2

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More Scripture Candy

In my first installment of “Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch” I highlighted some of the classic examples of Scripture Candy, such as Testamints and Bible Bars. I never realized just how much of this sort of stuff there is available. Here are some more prime examples of what I have dubbed “Scripture Candy.”

Noah’s Ark Gummi Animals

Now you can eat the animals that were on the Ark! These assorted animal-shaped candies come in a variety of fruit flavors. From the picture, it even looks like the animals come in pairs! (not sevens — I guess these are the Priestly Ark Animals!) They were saved from the flood just so your kid can eat them as a snack!

Bible Verse Fortune Cookies

For those who want to have something more international, you can get these Fortune Cookies with Bible verses in them.

It’s tough to read the verses from the picture and they never indicate what verses they included, so I thought I would recommend one which I think is highly appropriate: “The morsel which thou hast eaten shalt thou vomit up, and lose thou sweet words” (Prov 23:8 KJV).

Candy Cross Suckers

There is not only one type of Candy cross Suckers, but two! You can get the basic Cross-Shaped Suckers or the fancy Candy Cross Suckers with Popping Dip Candy. Both come in assorted fruit flavors. And guess what?! They’re even fat free!

Now when you take up your cross and follow Jesus, you can eat the cross if you feel a bit peckish! I wonder what Dietrich Bonhoeffer would say?

Star of David Chocolate Pops

These tasty treats are for our Jewish friends. These are certified kosher and come in either Dairy or Pareve. In addition to the Star of David pops, you can also get “Chai” pops (“life”), Dreidels, and Menorahs, among other things.

Fruit of the Spirit Pressed Powder Candy

These confections from Sweet Truths
are based on Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” I think there should be a law against how much cheesy Bible candy one should make!

Stay tuned for the next installment when we’ll look at Christian toiletries!

Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch, Volume 1 – Classic Kitsch

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Yesterday’s blog entries on “Glory Golf balls” (see here and here) represent only the tip of the Christian retailing iceberg. There is a tonne of “Jesus Junk” available in local Christian book stores and online. Some of it is sincere, while some is obviously tongue-in-cheek. This will be the first in a series of blog entries on “Jesus Junk and Christian Kitsch.” In this first one I will highlight some of what I consider some of the “classic” food products.

Testamints

These are classic “Jesus Junk.” These are available in Wintergreen, Spearmint, Peppermint and sport a Scripture verse on each wrapper. The distributor’s web page suggests that you “place on a desk to surprise a friend or co-worker” among other things. These are meant to be sincere witnessing products. They also sell “Scripture Bars” which are chocolate bars with Bible verses on the wrappers, as well as “Testamints Gum.”

Bible Bar

Another classic, these all-natural nutritional bars are made from the list of foods that are called good in Deuteronomy 8:7-8: “For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey.” According to one distributor,

Each bar is bursting with God-given nutrients: protein, monounsaturated fats, complex carbohydrates, vitamins, minerals, enzymes, phytonutrients, and fiber. But yet, it is so much more than just a health bar. God obviously had some very important reasons for linking these seven foods to the Promised Land. Therefore, when you eat a Bible Bar, you are consuming seven foods that God called good and in a form that is easy and convenient to use.

Now, not that I want to be picky, but if you are going to base your recipe on God’s word, then I think you should have it right! The main advertised ingredients of these “Bible Bars” are wheat, barley, raisins, figs, pomegranates, olive oil, and honey. Taking “vines” as raisins is a bit of a stretch since ‏גֶ֥פֶן typically refers to grapes or grape-bearing vines. Raisins would be referred to as ‏‏צִמֻּקִ֖ים Moreover, an examination of the ingredients, you will also discover that in addition to these seven foods, they also include brown rice syrup, brown rice, almond butter, raspberry fruit powder, and sea salt! Sounds to me like they are on a slippery slope! Logia, the manufacturer, also makes other tasty snacks by the names of “Abraham’s Bosom Sunflower Bar,” “Rachel’s Delight Sesame Honey Bar,” ” King David’s Treat Cranberry Nut Bar,” among others.

Bible Gum

Witness in two languages while blowing bubbles! A pouch of this classic Christian treat consists of two pieces of gum with a small card containing a Bible question on one side and the answer on the other side, as well as where to locate it in the Bible. Cards are printed in English and Spanish. According to its manufacturer,

Bible Gum stimulates, promotes, and reinforces interest in the Bible regardless of religious upbringing. “The Bible is for everyone!” Bible Gum, in it’s non-threatening, non-judgmental format, is a wonderful way to introduce the “scripturally threatened” individual to one of humanity’s most powerful and revered historical and spiritual compiling. Bible Gum “breaks the ice.”

Make sure to get yours today!

Some Thoughts

What should we make of these examples of Christian kitsch? Well, on the one hand these products appear to be well-meaning attempts to witness to people, akin to Bible tracts. Of course, if you have problems with tracts, then you will have the same problems with this sort of stuff. Perhaps more disturbing how they represent a trivialization and commercialization of the faith. That being said, Christian retailing is big business with sales exceeding three billion dollars annually in the U.S. People are buying this stuff!